Saturday, September 5, 2009

Oil and Water

A few days ago I made the comment at the end of a post that if all my pregnancy talk made you cringe (i.e. if it hurts, if it pisses you off, if you don't want to read it) that you were welcome to unsubscribe to this blog. No hard feelings. I said that I understood that. Been there. Done it quite a few times.

First let me be clear that I do, as I said before, get that. I know many of you don't. I have always known some of you don't. Some of you don't even divide up your google readers. To each her own. There were some comments made about how rude it was, and I think the majority of people just felt it was the wrong thing to do. But there really is no right and wrong here.

Infertility is a dirty whore, and I mean that it beats and rapes some of us until we don't have the strength to even stand up sometimes. There are some places and spaces that some find themselves in that the last thing they can bear to do is read about someone else's pregnancy or newfound happiness. It hurts.

Those people who have unsubscribed, or who have pushed me into the 'don't read this until...' section of the reader, aren't bad people or rude people. If they are, I am bad and rude too. I really believe in some spaces that's just the only way to deal.

Am I wrong to tell you that I cried when some of you got pregnant, because I felt like I was 'losing' a comrade? Someone who could voice what I oftentimes felt was being floated away to happy land on a pee-stick shaped boat and all I could do was wail because I felt there was now one less person around who understood what I was feeling?

Am I wrong that I rolled my eyes when lists of daily symptoms were posted? Am I wrong that I didn't want to hear about announcements or ultrasounds because I wanted that so badly for myself...and sometimes when you want that so badly for yourself you don't care to hear about how someone else is getting it?

Been there, done that. Please be kind to one another. Please remember that those people who unsubscribed aren't rude. They aren't fair-weather friends. They are infertile. And I am now pregnant. It's like oil and water, those two things, for some people.

And while I understand all of that, and ask that you all try to understand it too, there is one thing I will not be understanding about.

To those of you sending me comments or e-mails about how I am, in fact, undeserving; or that I have not yet 'earned' my present state of happiness as I only did two cycles, I will not play in what has been referred to as the Pain Olympics. I understand hurt and I understand pain, but to attempt to inflict guilt upon me for my present situation is just ridiculous.

Every one of us is deserving. Every one of us will be lifted out of the sandbox of infertility at different times, and some never even will. Statistics works that way. Some will get pregnant on the first screw, some on the first cycle, some on the fifth. But to tell me I am not entitled to my pain or my happiness is out of line.

This is my blog. It will probably change in some ways. I would venture to say a large part of my writing will center around pregnancy for as long as I am pregnant. How is that wrong? It cannot really be avoided, can it?

Please don't read it if it hurts you.

Please be kind to one another. Please be respectful. This community has been such a beautiful support to so many, but it's ugly side is as ugly as any other.
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