I'm having flashbacks of another place and time..
I remember, towards the end of every cycle, checking the toilet paper frantically looking for any sign of the herald spotting of my pending period. I would repeat to myself, over and over, "please don't come, please don't come, please don't come." Still, I was always disappointed in the end when I would inevitably discover something that screamed in my ear "You're not pregnant!"
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And now here I am. After one year of diagnosed severe male factor infertility, I have yet to have sex during ovulation in an ironic attempt to prevent that helpless feeling of hope at the end of the cycle. I never again wanted to play the 'talked-yourself-into-believing-it-again' game only to have my soul crushed when the tissue betrayed me. I couldn't handle being tempted by home pregnancy tests only to imagine the makers of Firs.t Re.sponse secretly laughing behind my back at how much money I had literally pissed into their pockets over the years.
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I think not having sex during ovulation is the only way I know to take back some control over the only thing in my life that is completely out of my hands. Please don't throw me any Pollyanna platitudes about how by avoiding intercourse I am ruining my potential to become an urban legend. With a sperm count in the hundreds of thousands and a morphology of nothing, sex for procreation is not an option for us.
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I monitor my cervical mucous so I know when not to have sex. I count cycle days so I know when to avoid making love. And if by some chance I slip up too close to the mark, I jump immediately out of bed and run to the bathroom, as I wouldn't want to fool myself into thinking that laying still for 20 minutes might just do the trick this time.
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I am not 'trying to conceive'. I am trying to achieve pregnancy through IVF.
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There is a difference.
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And here I am having flashbacks. It is the end of the cycle and I find myself frantically checking the toilet paper multiple times a day. Only this time I know I'm not pregnant. This time I'm not checking the tissue with the hopes of seeing nothing. This time I'm checking the paper with anticipation of starting a cycle with my frozen embryos. This time I want to see something on the paper.
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I can't start until I see something on the paper.
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"Please come, please come, please come."
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Why can't this be easy?
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photo by andrefromont shared through Creative Commons Licensing
29 conceptions:
Of all of the myriad ironies involved with IVF (BC pills, buying panty liners by the gross, etc.) the eager anticipation for that period at the start of a new cycle has got to be one of the weirdest feelings.
Been there way too many times, so I'll offer you the only wisdom I've accrued:
"If all else fails, wear white pants."
Hang in there. Keeping my fingers crossed for you this cycle - and, as you know, I'm a big fan of FETs.
Sending you my best for a successful FET!! Hope your period comes quickly and a positive pee stick follows shortly thereafter.
I think we all strive to control what very few things we can in this life and I can really relate to that feeling.
Hang in there, girl!
Here's to hoping AF arrives for you soon. GL with your FET!
IVF is full of irony isn't it? Our RE joked with us that we probably didn't even know that sex was linked to procreation anymore after all our IVFs...ha. ha. except. that. I'm. not. laughing. Hope your period comes soon so you can start what I hope will be your final cycle with the frozens. Thinking of you. Mo
In a similar position (literally). Waiting for CD1 so we can start Round 2 and, at the same time, not eff up my carefully laid vacation plans. White suit tomorrow, it is!
I hear thee, loud and clear! I hate that when we don't want AF around she rears her blasted ugly head, and when we NEED her to come she takes her own sweet time.
IF is just plain awful and cruel.
But you're stronger than it is, that much I am sure.
Hang in there.
She never shows when you want her to, all infertiles waiting to cycle know that! ;o) Hoping she shows for you very, very soon.
OMG, the ever dreaded TP watch. One of the most annoying games Mother Nature has ever come up with.
P.S..I had to chuckle at the "urban legend" part. :)
Now you have something in common with promiscuous teenage girls everywhere...praying for your period.
Hope you get it soon.
I think that makes sense. I am really hoping that science comes through for you this cycle.
Nothings easy when it comes to infertility.
Sigh...I'll be damned if I can figure out why its so hard but it is. Keeping my fingers crossed for this FET.
Oh my dear . . . your post brought back an old memory of a bathroom stall where once again I wasn't pregnant. Hang in there.
I have burned holes staring into TP checking for spotting. Did you know a lot of TP (or at least the brand I use) has red lint in it. Teeny tiny microscopic lint fibers. Yes, I said lint. I inspect that closely.
I've heard about women who eventually choose one way or the other to get off this merry-go-round, actually get on BC pills or use contraception. Just too painful thnking about the slim chance every month. I get that.
I know just how you feel. I hit that the last cycle where I was excited to see it all start so I could call the RE's office and be all like, "It's on muthahumpahs! Where's my pills at? C'mon, hook a girl up." I agree with Sprogblogger. Wear white shorts, don't bring protection.
Ha, and I thought I was the only one who avoided those days! It's so useless in our case, as well, though for different reasons.
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huh, here i thought i was the only one who refused to try conception throug sex. seems like this week i've been inundated with those urban legend folks. it was starting to make me wonder if i was crazy?? i'm glad that i'm only as crazy as you are ;) thanks for writing this.
I totally get your logic here. False hope is the worst.
I hope your frozen cycle is the cycle you get pregnant. I'm really rooting for you girl!
When we don't want it to come it does, when we NEED it to come, it doesn't. Hope AF quits playing games with you soon so you can move forward with your FET!!
Best of luck! And I hope AF shows up ASAP.
I also have MF infertility and I always felt it was a blessing/curse. I never expected to get pregnant the old fashioned way so it took all the pressure off of our sex life. It also sucked out any hope of getting pregnant, except for the brief wait after IVF cycles. Where other people hated the 2ww, I loved it because it was the only I felt like I could actually be pregnant. I never peed on a stick...why spoil it? Anyway, it's been 9 years for us without birth control, and no sign of that miracle non IVF pregnancy yet.
It's so much easier to just not do it and then not torture yourself.
I hope you can start your next cycle soon.
Hear! Hear! Sista!!! I so get this! I've been doing the same, since our 4th IVF failed earlier this year, I have this internal switch that turns my libido off completley for the 4 "fertile" days of my cycle. I just can't bare it, that secret tiny little bead of hope, then the obsessing the constant squeezing out of urine to do stupid tests that are always negative!!!!
I'm like you.. trying to fall pregnant through IVF (or FET)
(((hugs)))
Good luck for your FET!
I love the way you define the difference between 'trying to conceive' and 'achieving pregnancy through IVF'.
This was one of the best written posts I've ever read, Murgdan! Seriously - it was so raw and truthful and it sounded quite poetic. I know that wasn't your goal, but still...you're a rockin' writer. :)
Here's to hoping AF isn't the nasty bitch that she usually is, shows up on time (if not sooner) and you can get your FET underway. Sending you a giant hug.
Oh yes, I can totally make out the difference...Noopes, I won't throw you any Pollyanna comments on this...
I was a recently casualty of the same 'maybe-it-did-happen'. WTF.
I want your AF to come through and for you to be able to start the FET cycle.
IF is such a cruel b@#%h. It never stops messing with your mind. But after all of the torture, it will be that much sweeter when you finally get your BFP.
Here's hoping AF makes her arrival soon so you can get this FET started. Good luck!!
Great post. Thank you for the "Pollyanna" reference. I swear, if I hear ONE MORE miracle pregnancy story I'm going to seriously injure someone.
i feel the exact same way!
because my husband and I are carriers for cystic fibrosis, we are also not trying to conceive through sex. Like you, We are trying to conceive through IVF. And, I like you, am pretty sure I'm fertile.
What a weird paradox. It is nice, though, to not think every month, I might be pregnant. For you guys, it ain't happening outside of an IVF cycle. For us, we don't even want it to happen outside of an IVF cycle.
Interesting how each person's story is so different.
I was doing this for the 2.5 days of spotting up until about an hour ago, when AF came full on. Why do we do this to ourselves every cycle?? ((Facepalm))
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