When we first started TTC I joined a TTC message board, assuming I would be just like everyone else. The first month we tried, I, of course, assumed I was pregnant. When I got my period I just chalked it up to 'Beginner's Un-Luck' and moved on with my life, ready to try again.
There were people on that board who had been trying for 6 months to get pregnant. I thought, oh my god I just don't know how they do it. I'm sure I would go crazy if it took me six months to get pregnant. Luckily that won't be me...I'll get pregnant right away.
When I reached 6 months of TTC I thought, eh, well...it's normal to take 'up to a year' to get pregnant. I know plenty of people who tried for 9 or 10 months and then 'boom'...they were knocked up. I'm totally normal.
There was a thread on that board of people who had been trying for one year to get pregnant. I used to read through it thinking, oh my god. I don't know how they do it. I would go crazy if it took us a year. I don't think I could go on. How depressing. Luckily that won't be me...I'll be pregnant within the next few months.
When I reached one year of TTC, and made my appointment for initial testing, I was terrified. But I was still sure that we were just a little 'slow' and it was going to 'happen' any time. It would probably happen just after making the appointment. There was nothing wrong with us.
As my fellow TTC-ers who had not yet gotten knocked up started getting tested, their results were rolling in as well. When I would hear about a low sperm count, my stomach would drop. When I heard tales of fertility drugs and IUIs, my eyes would grow round. When I heard of people who needed IVF, I would panic. I was thinking, Oh thank god that's not me. Our tests are going to be fine. If I had to go through what these people are going through I don't think I could survive. I would probably go crazy. I couldn't take it. I would be so sad. My life would be over. What would we do?
Despite all these so called "milestones" that I had in the back of my mind, that I dreaded...here I am. I am not crazy. I have survived. This is all just part of life 'as we know it'. I looked at those people who were so far ahead of me in TTC time...and I 'caught up' to them in a sense. Their world wasn't all that I thought it would be. It isn't all doom and gloom and sadness. I still laugh. I still live. Infertility has just become a part of all of that. Here it's just standard quo.
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About Me
- 'Murgdan'
- I'm 34. I've been married for 8 years. We've been trying to get knocked up since Summer 2007 (and have succeeded!). We have 'oligoastenoteratozoospermia', otherwise known as 'Severe Male Factor Infertility'...also known as 'Super Crappy Sperm'.
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13 conceptions:
I remember having those exact same thoughts, feeling like I could never go through what I was reading all those other couples go through. I would just crumble. Well, I may have cracked a little...but like you said, it just sort of becomes part of life. You deal with it. One day at a time.
I remember my first TTC boards. I would never post because I didn't think there was really any reason for people to get to know me since I would be pregnant any day and moving along to the pregnancy boards.
I was such a silly, silly girl
Amen! You are always so eloquent.
I could have written that myself. Now I look at people who have been at it for years at think "I don't know how they do it, I could never do that" but it has occurred to me, I will and I can, I don't want to but I am determined to see this through to the end. Hugs that you have to be in this place, but the very fact that you are living it and surviving gives others hope and strength.
I tagged you for a Friendship Award!
It's so crazy how what you think infertility will be like compares to what it's actually like, especially as the years go on.
It seems it's simultaneously worse and better than anticipated.
That's all so true, isn't it? It's so easy to wonder, "what if that's me?" But, we will survive, right? Hope this week is a good one for you.
I think it's a case of the more you learn about your infertility the more you become equipped to handle it. The girl we were when we first started trying (and thought we were pg on the first try cos we've all been there done that) would never handle what we're going through now. Ironically it's those milestones that get us through this journey.
Good journey to you Cyn! Good journey!
I know exactly what you mean. I never ever thought I'd be a "longtimer". Here I am.
Amen sister!! I feel like you saw inside my brain and heart! I have had all the same thoughts and feelings. Makes me wonder... what would I do differently? I do know the answer though even though I can't change it- I would have gone to the RE in Dec after the 2nd m/c. Maybe it would have changed things... I don't know.
Exactly, honey. This just becomes the "new normal". I hope that you will have first-time IVF success, and that you can get off of the IF rollercoaster for now. It's the weirdest thing--when I had the scan confirming my miscarriage after IVF/ICSI, the first thing that popped into my head was "well, it isn't the worst thing that's happened along this journey."
Strange how the truly heinous can become part of just another day, isn't it?
I still find it strange, looking back at the girl almost two years ago. She was pretty naive. I wonder what happened to her, and her "Maybe next months"s
Infertility really is a journey and when we look back on where we've come, sometimes its surprising to realize we really are ok!
(((Hugss)))
Do we share the same brain? I think I went through the exact same thought process while TTC!
Now, I look back on all the ladies/nesties that started trying with me who are now, of course, pregnant or have already had their babies. It wasn't me who was supposed to have the serious issues. I just don't get it somedays. But, as you said, we will (and have) survived. We are tough chicks.
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